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Agenda Bender
 
Thursday, December 08, 2005  

I'm Warning You Mr. President and Mr. Prime Minister


If our side keeps gunning down handsome hispanic dudes in in subways and airports I'm going to do some major re-thinking about this war on terror. And, like Mr. Sullivan, I won't be keeping my re-thoughts to myself.


3:06 AM

Wednesday, December 07, 2005
 

Thank Fucking God


Remind me to sell my Dow Jones stock. Remind me to buy, then sell, my Dow Jones stock:

Dear OpinionJournal.com New Features Alert subscriber:

We've had a great response to our introduction of OpinionJournal shirts and mugs, and we've heard your requests to add extra large sizes, which we've done. But we've also received emails asking how late you can place an order and still receive everything by Dec. 24. The answer is Dec. 14, so you still have a week to make your selections. A reminder that we now offer:

High-quality t-shirts with two favorite slogans: "Kerfuffle" and "I Went Monkeyfishing And All I Caught Was This Lousy T-Shirt." Both are tan with the OpinionJournal logo on the front and the slogan on the back, and are available in sizes medium, large, extra large and XX large. The t-shirts are $19.99 each, or $17.99 each if you're a subscriber to The Wall Street Journal or WSJ.com.

For fancier occasions, an OpinionJournal tan polo golf shirt, with our logo embroidered in blue and black on the front. Available in sizes medium, large and extra large for $39.99, or $34.99 if you're a subscriber.

A red, white and blue coffee mug. The heavy-duty, oversized mug has our logo on the front in blue and the slogan "I Read Best of the Web Today" in red on the back. Priced at $13.99, or $12.99 for subscribers.


The Agenda Bender "Thank Fucking God" T-shirts are $19.99 no matter what you subscribe to. Our "Shit, I Have to Piss" coffee mugs are oversized (and priced) as well, though our color scheme is brown, white and yellow. Our readers know no fancier occasions than bare humdrum existence so for your further $39.99 you receive no tan polo golf shirts whatsoever.


1:46 AM

Sunday, December 04, 2005
 

If the Cash Doesn't Fit, You Must Acquit


I always love to see a federal money-laundering indictment crash up against the rocks so I'm glad big "Gotti" brother Irv and baby (but still big) brother Chris got off. In homage to them, and to the recursive universe (that self-self-referential mirror box I call home), I'm renaming myself Agenda ""Gotti"" Bender. "You" can buy into it or not,"""""I""""" don't really care. Highlights of the proceedings:

...The jury in the Lorenzo case returned acquittals after two days. A spokesman for the U.S. attorney's office in New York did not return calls seeking comment.

"We did it! We did it!" an elated Irving Lorenzo said as he was carried from the courtroom by his lawyers.


...After the trial concluded, jurors asked to speak with the Lorenzos and the brothers' family and attorneys

"One woman juror said, 'I love you, Irv,' and hugged him, and both of them broke down crying," said Gerald Shargel, Christopher Lorenzo's attorney. "Another juror said, 'I would never let anything happen to you boys.' "

...The verdict capped a three-week trial that occasionally veered into such minutiae as the size of shoe boxes in which drug lords stash cash. After a prosecution witness testified that he had seen McGriff give Murder Inc. executives a shoe box stuffed with $70,000 in small bills, Shargel presented him with 7,000 fake paper bills. Shargel asked the witness to put them inside a shoe container, but he couldn't.

The following week, Anthony Castiglia, a New York police detective, showed jurors that he had fit 7,400 $1 bills into an oversize shoe box, saying that "the standard urban attire" of drug dealers included shoes coming in wider and deeper boxes.


2:19 AM