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The Public Blogging of Pomosexuality, Homotextuality, Homophobiaphilia, and Drear Theory (aka Career Theory) [aka Gay4Pay]. We also read the Corner and OpJournal so the right buttock will be punished as well.
All comments subject to publication. Or dismissal. Or Both.
Just when I thought the 'gressives had lost their sense of absurdist fun forever they come roaring back. This story is highly evocative of that special delirium that always seems so Manhattan to me--apartment building civil wars, common area neuroticism in full hot house flower. Dueling lesbians slugging it out over the stars and stripes display in the lobby. The star spangled sister wouldn't talk to the press but the anti-Betsy Ross did. You'll no doubt be surprised to read that she believes "the flag is more of a negative symbol because of what it means around the world." I wonder if she's going to reconsider her own sexuality given her tendency to put things to a world wide plebiscite. But that's not the funny part.
The flag, anti-flag hallway hassles were getting out of hand so:
... the co-op decided to put the issue up to a vote, the choices offered were: a) keeping the flag up all the time; b) displaying it only on national holidays; and c) keeping the flag out of the lobby altogether. The voting sheet was left with the building doorman.
And here's why I'm suing Ms. Negative Symbol for the severe laugh line damage she caused me. Anti-Betsy heard the sound of distant jackboots closing in on her Village co-op.
[She] said that having to sign a petition on the issue in the presence of the doorperson “reminds me of the loyalty oaths of the fifties.”
The West 50's or the East? I heard the co-ops up there take no prisoners. That "doorperson" is a nice touch too.
Where are the progressive comedians in recent days? All the best laughs are coming from our cultural conservatives pals. Atrios linked the cult con classic story I sent him about the WashTimes letter auntie, so I return the favor by noting this tale which he spotted first. He sees my letter nanny and raises me with a schoolmarm editor. I think I might have to fold, he has a wicked* strong hand here. His bitch editress really smacks down my poor priss letter vetter.
Yuk #2: Julian Sanchez links a bloody vivisection of the young (nice-tablecloth) turks of the conservative movement. It goes on a little long but not as long as a night out on the right side of town with these candlelit junior coco's (connoisseur conservatives).
And Rod Dreher never disappoints. He missed the hook here though. He should have played it as the deterioration of the usually dependably conservative Eliot family germ line. From single l T.S. to double ll Missy. (T.S. Elliot would be a genius hiphopnom, ref-ing Missy and T.S.--especially since T.S. gives you two jokes in one). Rod is right that 11 year old girls love this song. Both my 11ish nieces knew every word at Christmas, an amazing enough feat, but even more remarkable is they reproduced the backward looped parts perfectly too. Check out the lyrics Rod links and find the drummer boy ref he is so disgusted by (it was way too subtle for me--I've heard the song a hundred times and never caught that the drummer boy line was a sacrilegious shoutout to that central figure in the Christian mythos--The Little Drummer Boy). Wonder if he'd be shocked by Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer irreverence too.
The Bender does agree with the Rodster on this much: I'm no big fan of the Missy song either. I find it tiring, too much of the same. The rockcrit nutbusting over the song is almost as ludicrous (hey, Ludakris!) as Dreher's abomination of it. The elephant sound effects gets a smile from me every time though and the ghetto chinese section has been known to make me laugh.
Funny interview in the Advocate last month with Justin Timberlake (excerpted here) He was on the cover of the Coolest Straight People of 2002 issue and inside they severely road tested his cool. Some sample questions:
One typical straight-male teen put-down of so-called boy bands is that they’re “too gay.” How do you respond to that?
As a young boy from the South, what kind of exposure did you have to gay people?
Without outing anyone, do you know of popular young gay musicians who are afraid to come out?
Do you think the industry and the people who buy records are more accepting of gay people?
Have you ever felt like you or N'Sync were being specifically marketed to attract gay people?
What did you think when you first had contact with a gay person?
When did you first become aware of your gay following?
What is it about your new record that an average gay music fan would find interesting or appealing?
What about your cameo as a hairdresser in On the Line?
Can you tell me whether any of your handlers are gay?
As an average gay reader of average gay magazines I must say I was very gay disappointed by the gay questions left ungayasked. What's the matter, Advocate, afraid to ruffle some music industry feathers? Where are these questions?
If your parents were gay, do you think they would be accepting of your straightness?
If you have children, like say 8 kids, and they all turn out gay, what do you think the odds of that are?
Would you sing the national anthem at the Gay Games?
Would you stick around for any of the events? Diving maybe?
Me and you--can you do the gay math?
What about Iraq? Is there a gay scene there as far you know?
I heard somewhere your parents are gay, is that true?
If you could be any gay sex act which would it be?
Can you say that again?
Are you familiar with the concept of a mercy F?
Do you think gay people ask too many questions?
Do I gay annoy you?
Do you think annoying someone can be a turn on sometimes? Do you think it can almost be like sex without sex? I mean, if you can't get them any other way? I mean, don't you think that annoying someone is reaching them in a deep way? And that reaching anyone in a deep way is almost sexual? Isn't it profoundly romantic, really? If I can't have you I can at least have your attention, if I can't give you pleasure I can at least give you pain? Fear? That, you know, a squirm is a squirm is a squirm? That a scream of horror and a scream of orgasm really pretty much come from the same place? That a face racked by terror and a face clenched in ecstasy are like mirror copies? I mean, imagine a god who could only see faces and bodies but couldn't peer into souls and minds, or better yet a kind of dyslexic god, to him wouldn't it all look exactly the same? 4:08 PM
From the Agenda Bender mailbag:
MR. WOO CHONG
CHINA TRUST COMMERCIAL BANK.
NAN KAN BRANCH, TAIWAN
REPUBLIC OF CHINA
I am Mr. Woo Chong, Bank Manager of Chinatrust Commercial Bank, Nan Kan branch, Taiwan, R.O.C. I have urgent and very confidential business proposition for you.
On June 6, 1998, a British Oil consultant...valued at US$30,000,000.00 (Thirty Million Dollars) in my branch...This sum of US$30,000,000.00 is still sitting in my Bank...According to Laws of Republic of China, at the expiration of 5 (five) years, the money will revert to the ownership of the Chinese Government if nobody applies to claim the fund...Please observe utmost confidentiality, and rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of us because I shall require your assistance to invest my share in your country.Awaiting your urgent reply via my email address.
Thanks and regards.
Mr. Woo Chong
Mr. Chung, the head of our Asian securities department, replied:
woo hoo! count me in. sign me up. thanks.
-- wang chung
Next, our business associate Mariam Acheba writes to let us know that she wants us to take our budding relationship to the next level:
My dear friend,
I thank you so much for your response to my email. How are you really doing overthere? i hope all is well. To me, i am well also except that i have to get this money out into someone who is reliable's account before my government should step on it again.
...My lawyer will prepare all the neccessary documents backing up this money for you. You are going to contact him and speak with him on phone about it also.
I want you to contact him as soon as possible. below is my lawyer's contact details:
NAME : BARR. JOHN AYORE
COMPANY : AYORE & CO CHAMBERS
ADDRESS : 102, OLUYOLE LAYOUT, LAGOS
EMAIL : email@example.com
I will call him to let him know about you. make sure you get back to me after you might have contacted him.
Thank you and may allah bless you.
Mr. Bear (late of Bear Stearns), who runs our African investment portfolio, wrote Mariam's lawyer:
Agenda Bender is Irish, when it suits our purposes. So this article caught our smiling eyes:
Internet browser that quadruples surf speed wins Irish science prize
By AGENCE FRANCE-PRESSE
DUBLIN (AFP) - A computer browser that is said to least quadruple surfing speeds on the Internet has won the top prize at an Irish exhibition for young scientists, it was announced on Saturday.
Adnan Osmani, 16, a student at Saint Finian's College in Mullingar, central Ireland spent 18 months writing 780,000 lines of computer code to develop the browser. Known as "XWEBS", the system works with an ordinary Internet connection using a 56K modem on a normal telephone line
Shouldn't his name be Adnan O'smani? Interesting, our second Adnan in just a few days. Hope he doesn't suffer from the Irish curse like the other Adnan.
I'm on my way to being inconsolable (from Mobylives):
The ALSO, YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO SKINNY Award . . . In August, it was revealed by the writers' group the Underground Literary Alliance that Jonathan Franzen had, the previous year, applied for and won a National Endowment for the Arts grant of $20,000 — after signing a deal for book and movie rights to "The Corrections" reportedly worth over a million dollars. It was further revealed that one of the judges for the award was Franzen's close personal friend, Rick Moody. Franzen told the ULA that he used the money to buy two paintings, "since visual artists can't get NEAs anymore."
How did I not know this till now? The Christmas lights must have distracted me. In November we had Miss World War I in Nigeria, in December the action moved to Venezuela. The anti-Chavez general strike in Venezuela had just begun:
Dozens of oil tankers, part of the merchant marine, suddenly dropped their anchors and declared solidarity with the opposition. One ship, the Pilin Leon, was headed for Cuba (Chavez supplied free oil to Fidel Castro’s government). Some companies use names of kings and heroes, others use names of presidents or business leaders, in Venezuela, oil tankers are named after the country’s second greatest export: beauty queens. Pilin Leon was the Venezuelan beauty queen who became Miss World 1981. The drama surrounding the Pilin Leon became the focus of the struggle. Miss Leon herself, in London judging the Miss Universe contest that had recently been moved from Nigeria, sent the ship’s crew a message that she was proud of them and hoped they would stand firm. They did.
There is a battle for the heart of Agenda Bender. Or more properly a battle for the number 1 spot on my shit list. I guess that's not the same thing. It's a contest between the sensitivity industrial complex progressives and insensitivity liberation front conservatives. I wish it was a battle to the death but they never seem to really engage each other. All of their wounds are self-inflicted but unfortunately not life-threatening.